Dark Matter

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© 2018 by Dark Matter Media LLC

 
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Logline: When Curly Head wakes up with two talking heads on his chest that have the ability to hear ginies talk, he starts a matchmaking service, hoping to revitalize his own struggling relationship, and discovers he and his unexpected new love interest have now become the targets of the Pharma giant responsible for his mutations.

Dark Matter Review

 

Overall Impression:

At its best, The Vagina Whisperer reads like a cross between an entry in the American Pie series and a Weird Al Yankovic movie… but without enough sexual tension to fit the former category or weirdness to fit the later.  We enjoy the American Pie films and Weird Al’s works (UHF, anyone?), but their key is a sustained level of sexual innuendo, goofiness, slapstick and comedy.  The Vagina Whisperer is often too serious, or too bland, to hit the oddball comedy mark.

What We Found Most Effective:

The script has a great cringe factor.  All we could picture when we thought of Reader and Manspeak was Kuato, that weird little alien that grew out of the chest of the character George in Total Recall.

 

Structurally, the script is sound.  This is Curly’s story.  We know if from the first moment, and we follow his tale from beginning to end.  Curly has a clear emotional goal throughout, though his tangible goal is less clear at times.

 

What We Found Least Effective

The script is dialogue heavy, even for a comedy.  This would be more easily forgiven if the laughs came more frequently, but we often found the script striking a semi-serious tone.

 

Suggestions For Improvement:

Big Picture Suggestions

  • Embrace the weird! By far the best thing you could do to improve the script would be to let all your weird hang out, and let all your sexual fantasies play out – for a script called Vagina Whisperer, it was nearly PG rated.  As is, you’ve got a toe (okay, maybe a foot), into the screwball comedy waters - we say, jump in!  There were chuckles throughout, but with such an odd concept, we felt there was a ton of room to go deeper on exploring the bizarre.

 

  • Let’s talk about the title.  On the one hand, it absolutely catches your attention, and, after all, what are titles for?  On the other hand, it caught our attention by making us cringe.  We’d change it.

 

  • The Harris/Grey story line is underdeveloped.  Harris is mentioned in passing in a scene starting on page 10, but Grey isn’t introduced until page 34.  After that, they are used sparingly until about page 80, when their storyline becomes a central element of the final arc of the plot.  We’re not convinced that the Harris/Grey story adds much to the overall script, but if you decide to keep it on your next rewrite, we suggest beginning to incorporate and flesh it out earlier.

Odds & Ends

  • GENERAL NOTE: You frequently use beats as a dialogue-timing device.  Certainly it’s appropriate at times, and more so in a comedy, which this script is, but it feels too frequent to us.  In our view, the comedy writer has to trust the actors and director to infer at least some of the pacing/timing of a joke.

  • Pg. 1. Typo. Additional spaces before the Disclaimer dialogue entry.

  • Pg. 2. Typo. Extra space between the dialogue heading and dialogue body for Megan’s first dialogue.

  • Pg. 5. We didn’t buy that Megan would allow Andy to join them for lunch when Megan and Curly had been planning to have an important relationship conversation.

  • Pg. 8. The last dialogue entry for Curly on the page includes the wryly (i.e., parenthetical) “(shoveling popcorn)” but no following dialogue.  So there’s either a missing dialogue entry, or it should be an action entry.

  • Pg. 9. Lol, we liked Curly referencing that he paid his tab last week, immediately followed by Icy asking him to pay his tab from last week.

  • Pg. 13. & 15. It took us a while to figure out that “Little” before the dialogue heading (e.g., “Little Woman 1” and “Little Attractive Woman”) meant that Curly was hearing the voices of Manspeak and Reader.  You should consider explaining to the reader what is happening here so that the director/cast understand the dynamic in the first instance.

  • Pg. 17. Grammar note.  You’re dropping articles, which seems to be a stylistic choice, e.g., “Curly puts away phone and crosses intersection.”  It caused us to stumble a few times and took us out of the flow of the script, so for us the stylistic choice isn’t adding anything.

  • Pg. 17-18. The intro of Reader and Manspeak is hilarious and gross!

  • Pg. 23. “Beating around the bush…” lol!

  • Pg. 31. Typo. “They show up at out gig…”

  • Pg. 24-34. Two thoughts on this scene: First, it’s pretty long; Second, this scene is a key component in helping the audience suspend disbelief (Andy is the audience’s proxy, able to ask all the questions rattling through the audience’s head). If we were Andy, we would have suggested Curly go to a doctor, requested a demonstration of Reader’s and Manspeak’s ability, probably touched them to see if they were real, and asked a zillion other questions.  It’s a key scene in terms of keeping the audience engaged, with disbelief suspended, and it didn’t quite get us there.

  • Pg. 50. Typo. “Harris, the stakes need to raised a bit.”

  • Pg. 52. “We’ll be under your bed…”  That cracked us up!

  • Pg. 55. We’re a little confused. Did Curly just show Icy Reader and Manspeak at the bar? Would he really do that?  Wouldn’t Icy (or any ordinary person) freak out if they saw that?  At this point, Curly didn't yet know that Icy was similarly afflicted.

  • Pg. 56-63. This is just such a weird scene. Wow.

 

  • Pg. 75. Typo. “Curly looks for Icy and sees her at her at the bar…”

  • Pg. 78. We didn’t understand why Max was in awe of and wants to be liked by Big Dude.

  • Pg. 82. This Kung Fu fight comes out of nowhere.

  • Pg. 85. Kenny’s super-intelligent AI car is also out of the blue.  There really aren’t any other similar aspects in the script and it seems like a distraction from the story.

  • Pg. 96. The kidnappers let their victims take phone calls in the middle of the kidnapping?

  • Pg. 106. Typo. “…but noone is dancing.”

  • Pg. 103. Typo. “Spots Hunter in a distance.”

  • Pg. 106. Typo. “But it isn’t there no more.”

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